To Have Discovered More of Myself

          Wow. CS3216 is over, or at least officially. I think Orry’s right, after taking one course as intense and as powerful as this, I don’t think I would be able to adapt to normal NUS Life. I must confess over here that I am taking 7 modules this semester, a proclamation that I dare not make from the start for it was an idea that is so crazy that it is certain to be shot down. Well, here I am alive and well, staring into the dusk of this semester. (Mental note to myself to though, surviving it is one thing, being really spectacular and being in a state of a lot less pain is other.)

            Yet, I feel the sudden nostalgia and the headiness hitting me after going through an awesome semester of which I had met such good friends and did crazy things. I guess I am right about myself on one count , that I am always in to live Life to its fullest, struggle with its struggles and appreciate things along the way. Had I to point out one important lesson that I have gained along the way, I felt it would be a lesson on discovering myself. Here’s me in blatant honesty.

            I am not as great as I tend to think that I am! – There are days and occasions that I would swim around Life with a huge, huge ego and a hedonistic approach. The air smells artificially nice and I am on the top of my game. Unfortunately, self-delusion is never that beautiful as no one really gives a damn unless you care. I tend to suffer from this like of super-ego driven irrationality, which unfortunately, again is very unhealthy. I have hurt a few people along the way, yet I am really blessed to have friends who have stuck with me till the ends. I have to watch out for this and for the fact that I tend to underestimate the difficulty of things, which could be my undoing. As for optimism, I will keep it though, as optimistic tends to succeed! ~ and give my sense of optimism some tender, loving, care of realism. I will always be my greatest fan! This leads me to some “wise words” (ahem, common sense ) that Ben has to offer.

            Focus outwards – That’s is what I should be doing. Deep down, I am still not too certain, what’s holding me back for really caring for others. It’s frustrating to note. I have profiled myself, and I am well-aware that I draw power from both the dark and light side. The former being about personal strength and gratification; and the later synergy and ideals/”greater common” good. Real question which I have yet to resolve is: where do I really want to be?

            Focus – I am spread too thinning and I know that. I tried to make a case of being a really good “multi-disciplinarian” but now, I am pretty convinced that I have to go really deep and be really good at what I would do. There’s no substitute for 10,000 hours of increasing hardwork, but what I can do is to work smart. @Prof: Yep, I am reconsidering my phd option, but regardless of my eventual choice, I will pursue my decision with the best of my ability and without regards.

            3 things that I have to do for the day – thanks to Nash’s wife, I got this piece of advice and it really helped make my day more effective. It works as it is. Simply know what are the 3 things that I absolutely have accomplish for the day and make sure I do it. =D

            Learning Hacks – I never learned so fast in my Life before. In this semester, I am having lots of fun and assimilating knowledge as if my Life depends on it. Well, it did. But I got a good measure of how to leverage education. =D and it comes together for me is so many different ways.

            Love myself – Despite all the sobering takes that I have upon myself, I am willing to absolve myself from all the hate and pain that I have caused myself. It is through stupid decisions, failures that I may learn too. I would like to sincerely thank all who have stayed true and have encouraged me along the way.

           

I have a quote for everyone. It is indeed painful to discover imperfection (and how many false underlying assumptions I had about the world which made it a beautiful fantasy) and to come to terms so intimately with myself. But it is like Chris Abani so beautifully puts it -: You are most beautiful, when you are most ugly because it is then when you see yourself for who you truly are.

           

Thank you. With all the love in the world, Tomithy

Ps. Hope my thoughts had echoed yours.